i know i'm like a ghost, i have nothing but myself.

RIP Daul Kim.

“…i just know the more i gain the more lonely it is”

no one can fully fathom what it’s like to have everything and nothing all at once, until you experience it yourself. and then what happens? for Daul, i guess it drove her to her wits end…

the fashion industry has indeed lost a gem… she was a chameleon, she was perfect as a model, but did anyone really care who she was as a human being?

it makes me wonder if it is worth it to work your ass off just to get to the top, to gain fame, success, wealth, only to realise you have become nothing but an empty shell in the process? she posted this video on her blog last month, with the following text…

“so many times i almost jumped but didn’t”

didn’t anyone find it perturbing? didn’t anyone sense something wrong?

i’m reading her blog bit by bit now… and it’s just so painful to read. i can only imagine how she felt.

15th October 2009, she wrote…

“…then i saw myself my life is so god damn predictable its disgusting its like some kind of fate you can not change some kind of high high desire to not be alone.  since child, high desires for beautiful things were strong desire to be isolated was so strong (or i had no choice than to be isolated)

desire to be good looking was so strong.
as i run into my good old friend im happy at even when we didnt see each other for like 6 months i can straight out vent about how my life is so predictable as he understands totally.”

how does it feel to live as a “figure” and not a “person”? having people see you as nothing but a model… Daul, it must have been so frustrating. the life of a model just is.

another of her blog post in October titled “say hi to decided” is really heart-wrenching to read… this is the whole post…

“say hi to decided”

“i havent been back to korea for like… 6 months

i feel like everytime i dont want to face something

i just run away and my job allows me to do that

last winter was a fucking hard time for me like every winter

like every summer is hot for me

on the way from shooting to home in the metro

i cried cos even when im 20, i feel the same

i used to come home in a metro crying when i was 16 in paris too.

whats the point of this manifestation really what is it

since when did i ever have a normal life anyway

it was so fucked up from the beginning its like as if this was the best way

it couldve been layed out anyway whats the point of being upset

people are the same anyway, just mild changes, mild different spectrums,

mild different backgrounds, people do this to each other anyway

it is not the difference between a complex intellect and a beautiful simpleton.

aknowledging it doesnt make the difference, like how people say setting awareness

makes differences. it does, but it doesnt, because action needs to follow.

so what is my action.

jump out the window? cut ur wrist?

party ?  be decadant?

do charity work? be a housewife?

obey? disobey?

prove? not prove?

love ? not love?

enjoy the power? what power?

im not interested. pretend to be interested?

i am not entertained. then entertain yourself i am not entertaintment

beat yourself with work only cry for help when you are about to die when you are on the floor

until no one cares until not even yourself cares.”

 

she sounded like she was on the verge of losing it, but somehow no one really cared, one comment even read :

“since there is no point in livin, or dying either make the best out of the live you have now i guess? or really, die.

honestly, i’m at a total loss for words. i can only hope that her death raises awareness, and how important it is to not lose yourself in life…

let’s all remember her this way…

RIP Daul.

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