The Messes We Make…

When I look back at past arguments, I forget why I was even angry then.
All the time we wasted being angry, it makes no sense at all. All the grudges we held on to, just to bring into another argument; building walls of defense around us as a result.

We’re always looking for someone to blame, for the things we could not do ourselves, never realizing that the only person to blame was ourselves all along. It’s stupid, it really is. I guess we just never learn to learn…

We’re always worried about the journey ahead, how we’re going to get there, always afraid to fail. We forget that with an end in mind, it just takes a leap of faith to get there. If only we trust in each other and keep on dreaming the same dream.

One day I’ll hold your hand again, and together we’ll look back at all the messes we made and have a good laugh. Like how we always dreamed about it from the start, we’ll only grow stronger and conquer this world together again…

it's a love hate thing.

…hopped on a bus, and sat in the corner.

the best part about bus rides late at night is that you can cry your eyes out, and no one really gives a shit.

i can deal with not being treated like a princess… and i’m okay with not being showered with surprises and gifts.

but why am i never made to feel the least bit special?

why do i never feel important in your life?

why do you always make me second best?

perhaps it’s a fact that i’ll never be a VIP on your list.

what’s the point of wanting to spend every minute with you, when i’m so easily replaceable?

you push me aside as you please, and for so long i’ve just gritted my teeth and bore with it all.

but today i’ve suddenly come to realise, that when you’re made to feel so insignificant, it really wouldn’t make a difference if you cease to exist.

each time i get this feeling, i’m just so tempted to run away.

maybe i’ll turn into my old depressed self, maybe. just maybe.

i just don’t know how much more of this i can take.

i feel as if i’m standing on the very edge.

.

…and you’ll never know what you’ve got until you lose it

.


i know i'm like a ghost, i have nothing but myself.

RIP Daul Kim.

“…i just know the more i gain the more lonely it is”

no one can fully fathom what it’s like to have everything and nothing all at once, until you experience it yourself. and then what happens? for Daul, i guess it drove her to her wits end…

the fashion industry has indeed lost a gem… she was a chameleon, she was perfect as a model, but did anyone really care who she was as a human being?

it makes me wonder if it is worth it to work your ass off just to get to the top, to gain fame, success, wealth, only to realise you have become nothing but an empty shell in the process? she posted this video on her blog last month, with the following text…

“so many times i almost jumped but didn’t”

didn’t anyone find it perturbing? didn’t anyone sense something wrong?

i’m reading her blog bit by bit now… and it’s just so painful to read. i can only imagine how she felt.

15th October 2009, she wrote…

“…then i saw myself my life is so god damn predictable its disgusting its like some kind of fate you can not change some kind of high high desire to not be alone.  since child, high desires for beautiful things were strong desire to be isolated was so strong (or i had no choice than to be isolated)

desire to be good looking was so strong.
as i run into my good old friend im happy at even when we didnt see each other for like 6 months i can straight out vent about how my life is so predictable as he understands totally.”

how does it feel to live as a “figure” and not a “person”? having people see you as nothing but a model… Daul, it must have been so frustrating. the life of a model just is.

another of her blog post in October titled “say hi to decided” is really heart-wrenching to read… this is the whole post…

“say hi to decided”

“i havent been back to korea for like… 6 months

i feel like everytime i dont want to face something

i just run away and my job allows me to do that

last winter was a fucking hard time for me like every winter

like every summer is hot for me

on the way from shooting to home in the metro

i cried cos even when im 20, i feel the same

i used to come home in a metro crying when i was 16 in paris too.

whats the point of this manifestation really what is it

since when did i ever have a normal life anyway

it was so fucked up from the beginning its like as if this was the best way

it couldve been layed out anyway whats the point of being upset

people are the same anyway, just mild changes, mild different spectrums,

mild different backgrounds, people do this to each other anyway

it is not the difference between a complex intellect and a beautiful simpleton.

aknowledging it doesnt make the difference, like how people say setting awareness

makes differences. it does, but it doesnt, because action needs to follow.

so what is my action.

jump out the window? cut ur wrist?

party ?  be decadant?

do charity work? be a housewife?

obey? disobey?

prove? not prove?

love ? not love?

enjoy the power? what power?

im not interested. pretend to be interested?

i am not entertained. then entertain yourself i am not entertaintment

beat yourself with work only cry for help when you are about to die when you are on the floor

until no one cares until not even yourself cares.”

 

she sounded like she was on the verge of losing it, but somehow no one really cared, one comment even read :

“since there is no point in livin, or dying either make the best out of the live you have now i guess? or really, die.

honestly, i’m at a total loss for words. i can only hope that her death raises awareness, and how important it is to not lose yourself in life…

let’s all remember her this way…

RIP Daul.

…have you ever?

have you ever broken someone’s heart, and then months later, wonder if they’re okay?

have you ever come across someone’s writings, and felt as if (no, make that sure) it was directed at you?

have you ever come to realise you MIGHT have “ruined” someone’s life, sent them into depression, thrown them into an emotional whirlwind?

have you ever regretted being mean to someone?

…if my answer to all the above is yes, does that make me a really bad person? :(

xoxo

The Truth About Us…

i wrote this 5 months ago in one of my notes on facebook, and since i haven’t had the brain juice to put something serious on the blog lately, here’s a chunk of my previously juiced brain cells…

enjoy! — jean :)

“..No one could ever like, respect, or accept me! I don’t deserve to be treated nicely! People are just nice to you in order to use you and get something they want from you! I am so afraid that no one will like me! I can never accomplish the task facing me! I am an incomplete person and will always be that way! Why would anyone care to hear what I say, how I feel, or what I think? What is the sense of trying, I’ll never get it right! Everybody is looking at me, just waiting for me to make a fool of myself! I can never win. I am a loser. No matter how hard I work to achieve, I never get any recognition!
I am incompetent in everything. How could anybody ever say anything good about me?
I failed them in the past; therefore, I am a failure today!

Once a failure, always a failure!”


If you felt a pinch reading the above statements, you might be chronically insecure. Lots of people around us are. They live their lives restrained by their own, self-imposed limitations. They set standards for themselves, as what they deem ought to be ideal. Is this further aggrevated by the unmotivating society we live in? Or is it simply an inferiority complex within us?

All living beings seek security, we are all born with the power of fear, inbuilt in us. We require constant reassurance, a nod as a sign of approval, or as a green light to proceed in the things we do. Without that assurance that what we are dabbling in is correct, we are open to a higher possibility and fear of failing in goals and tasks. We need to bridge that gap of insecurity. We fear FAILURE in our future endeavours; while some fear that the past will repeat itself, a past of previous failures.Indeed, the level of security we can gather from our environment, and the amount of self-confidence we have in ourselves pretty much determines the way we live.

Thus, we seek all ways and means to avoid failure, by which suggests the avoidance of pain. Now, we all refer to PROCRASTINATION as an act of deferment of a certain action.

But as defined by life success coach John Kanary,
PROCRASTINATION is the acceptance of a life that we don’t want to avoid the pain we must go through to have the life that we do want.

GUILTY? think about it, many of us are indeed daily procrastinaters! why settle for 2nd place, when you can be the best? it’s time to curb those fears & insecurities… but, HOW? In the bid to increase our self-worth, some may find the need to surround themselves with lots of people, not necessarily friends, but acquaintances no doubt. They may gain a sense of satisfaction, knowing that there are people who care.

The feeling of being popular, the feeling of being WANTED. EGO BOOST GUYS? But, how much can we gain from a SUPERFICIAL sense of SECURITY? yes, the hottest guy around may not necessarily be secure. He may have a whole school of girls to choose from; he may be the role model or even idol of his “not-so-lucky” male counterparts and stir jealousy amongst them, BUT! would you know if he inwardly struggles with himself? even he would have issues with himself.

Remember, we all hide behind facades. Being blessed in the looks department, or owning a country does not equal to instant societal security. In fact, it might turn out to be a lifelong complication instead. Such people have other insecurities to deal with.

No one said the rich and famous had it any easier..

At least, we don’t have the paparrazi to deal with. ( :

Rants by Jean.

Vintage Living

i’ve been randomly surfin the web lately… and finds like these are my favourite! i’m a sucker for vintage anything… altho how my room is done up now doesn’t reflect my love for vintage at all… but then again, i don’t really have the liberty of turning the whole house vintage, and having just one vintage room would be totally odd…

so i’ll have to deal with just admiring photos for now!

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notice the disco ball in the centre of the room… it’s so disco and yet the rest of the room is so chic and sophisticated!

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i could deal with a sleeping in such a bedroom… in fact, it’s very me… who said chandeliers are only for the halls or living room spaces? they add that element of romance to a bedroom i reckon. throw in the dimming function!

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here’s another bedroom i like. very very much… it must be the pillows… i love pillows! i have like (hang on let me count) 4 pillows plus a really long one, totally 5 on my tiny super single bed!

i also love how the white in the room doesn’t come off as boring… the earthy, neutral tones are also very comforting… if only i have a room this big.

and now for some randoms…

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….how can you not love vintage?

if the blind could see…

…they wouldn’t need our help

on the way home, while waiting for the bus, i witnessed a most heartbreaking sight….

an indian man was making his way down from the front entrance of a bus, and everyone else was rushing to board… i wouldn’t have guessed that this indian man was actually blind. no one helped him off the bus, and he had to rely on his walking stick to make his way onto the pavement…

then, he wandered about 3 metres away from me, very slowly, feeling his way around. stopping every once in awhile hoping the person he felt was next to him would reach out a helping hand…

there were at least 20 people at the bus stop, not a single one approached him to ask if he needed help to get to where he had to be… i felt nervous watching him advance, at some point he seemed to be heading straight for a solid pillar, and yet everyone around him just continued to watch him feel his way around… their stares, their judgmental gazes, some even inched backwards away from him as he passed.

since when was being blind a contagious disease?

you’d think someone would have the heart or at least the common sense to redirect him to a less hazardous path….

i watched as he drew even closer to the pillar, and as i thought, he walked right into it. at least 3 people had eyes on him just before he hit the pillar, did they not see that it would have been good to pull him away? or at least shout “watch out!” ? how did these people just a few steps away just stand and watch as a blind man walks into a pillar?

the sound was loud, and at the moment, everyone finally acknowledged that a blind man needed help. and even tho, only then did a male student guide him towards the train station, i still felt bitter to say the least…

it’s already hard for us who can see to make our way around at times, not to mention someone who has no sight… what is wrong with the society we live in? have we not been taught to help those in need? have we really been brought up to be selfish and cold?

i can only imagine how that blind man must have felt…

every cigarette is doing you damage

i don’t know about you, but if this doesn’t convince a smoker to quit, i really don’t know what will.

listen carefully to the statistics. horrible, smoking related diseases are attacking smokers who are only in their 30s! if you ask me, i’d say that’s just about where life really begins. 

and this next video is specifically for the boys… smoking damages your sex life.

and it is also a known fact that,

every time you light up, just one cigarette alone takes away 11 minutes of your life span.

if you are one who knows how precious even one second is, imagine how losing a few years would be like.

does that make smoking a sin? i reckon that might be a possibility, cos if you see it how i see it, we’d be committing a very slow suicide, and taking away years from the life God gave us… so if ending your life on your own accord is considered a sin, i’d say smoking is too.

 

…the question here is, with the knowledge of the definite damage that smoking can and WILL do, why do people still do it?

if you treasure your life, this is one video i would highly recommend. it is a video compiled by Allen Carr, the biggest anti-smoking guru in the world as named by BBC.

 

here is another one by Dr Mark Harries.

no doubt, it’s gonna stick a knife in your chest, but it also helps smokers see the reality of what they are in for…

there’s tons of videos online that want to help you to quit, but you have to open your mind enough to accept that help.


 

“The Greater Pleasures in Life”

one of my past writings, this one is from may 2007.

does getting married, or simply being in a relationship for that matter; mark the end of freedom? does the sacred union of 2 human beings really bring you closer to hell?

the irony of marriage. probably the biggest event in one’s life which is most anticipated and dreaded all at once!

is it just due to our very poor mindset about marriage? how is it some couples live in bliss after marriage while some can’t help but start tearing at each other’s hair once they cohabit?

WHY DO PEOPLE’S ATTITUDE TOWARDS THE OTHER CHANGE OVERNIGHT?

for god’s sake, do things change that much after you say I DO? apart from taking on someone else’s surname, or guys, having someone take on your surname, and having to address another pair of parents, the two people who have just made a commitment to each other did not just undergo any drastic change overnight, did they?

so it might take a lil getting used to waking up with someone beside you, but surely, in this day and century, it wouldn’t be that awkward? if you know what i mean, i shan’t state the obvious.

surely, you’d have known this person well enough, which is why you’ve agreed to spend the rest of your life with him/her? OTHERWISE, why are you even married?

no really, why?

Unconsciously (or not), we start picking at each other’s habits. we make a big fuss about our partner’s totally non existent sense of humour, or the toothpaste left uncapped, the tube being squeezed from the centre, the toilet seat not put down, the sink not dried, the newspaper left on the floor, the dishes left to soak in the sink.. i could go on forever, but you get the gist. is this really all part of life? did we not know this much about the person we chose to be life partners with?

the question here is,

what did you spend all the time prior to getting married/together doing? that’s what the entire “dating process” is about isn’t it? observing each other, understanding weaknesses, AND instead of making a big hoo-haa just becos he doesn’t have the habit of putting the cap back on the tube of toothpaste, why can’t you create a new habit of capping it back? think about it, will it really kill you to put the cap back on when he has left it to roll around the sink?

now, you would have heard of the saying : old habits die hard? he’s probably been like that all his life. BUT! did you know it takes only 30 days to form a new habit?

come on, you say you love each other, but you can’t spend just 5 seconds putting the cap back on? imagine how much more QUALITY TIME you can get together if you realise there is absolutely no point in picking at each others faults… now weigh this, you can spend 5 seconds every morning and night putting the toothpaste cap back on… no arguements… thats just 10 seconds in a day…

OR you could let it get to you, and get so annoyed you lash out with a 30 min lecture about how he wasn’t taught how to put the cap back on when he was younger, which might lead to another arguement as to how he was brought up and what “cleaning up after yourself” habits he has been instilled with, which will in turn lead to an even bigger argument concerning… your in laws?

OUCH. now if there’s one point you’re missing it would be this.. once you lash out, there’ll always be a scar, and it’ll forever be a sensitive issue between you two. all that becos you are unwilling to sacrifice 10 seconds of your time each day.. you’ll wake up unhappy, and go to bed with swollen eyes, you’ll lose your voice and still be sour the next morning… is it really worth it?

KISS AND MAKEUP is not going to do the trick.

it’s funny… but you’ll be amazed, some people can pick at their partner’s habit of clearing his throat before a phonecall. sure it might come across as “irritating” but apart from a few seconds of UNWANTED, NOISE, surely it’s not going to kill you? it only irritates you becos you allow it to. really, it isn’t very difficult to ignore it. we’re all capable of selective listening somehow.

21 going on 22, i’m still a long way off from settling down. but i’ve learnt so much from observing relationships since i was little. and the truth is, they aren’t as complicated as we make them out to be.

there are so many more important things in life to be done, there are more good times to be enjoyed. if only we realise, those very few minutes or seconds we bear with each day, is all it takes to reap the greater pleasures that life offers.

-jeanine

ps : if you want to copy this to your own blog for others to read, please do link back to me. thanks darls :)

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