Goodbye 2012, a year of hits and misses.

2012huh

As yet another year comes to an end, I believe all of us go through the same motions. Was it a good year? A horrible year? A not so bad, I got through it kind of year? Perhaps after you’ve established that the year practically flew by without you accomplishing very much you start asking why, and what-if you did something differently. By the time you’re done with all that, you realise how much time you just wasted thinking about it cause there’s really nothing you can do to change the past year.

Well, 2012 was a real roller coaster year for me.

You know how you begin the year thinking your life is as close to perfect as it can get? Like everything has finally fallen into place, and you have everything you could possibly ask for, and you just can’t wait to wake up every morning with an idiotic smile on your face. Sure, everyone goes through rough waters, but at some point all that pain is finally justified, and it’s all worth it, you know? :)

But as with any roller coaster ride, there are tons of ups and downs, and it’s the down points that really kill you. I always say, there’s a way to get around anything, as long as you want to, I still want to believe that, but this year life has thrown me more curved balls than I can possibly deal with. I’m usually someone who hangs on and tries until the end cause I hate giving up and I hate losing a fight, but for me to reach a point where I actually give up and walk away, is totally new to me. 2012 definitely saw a record number of misunderstandings. Being misunderstood is one thing, but being misunderstood and put down before you’ve had any chance to say anything, that takes a hell lot of calm to deal with. I guess at some point I just lost that calm. After all I’m one person who cannot stand being misunderstood and called things I’m not. And amidst all the tears, you realise you’re actually fighting for what you want, and it should be something worth fighting for, but what if self defense kicks in and you unknowingly start fighting against it?

forgive

We go into every new year telling ourselves it’s the best time to leave the past where it belongs, to bury grudges, to forgive people who have wronged us, to reconcile with family and the people we love; but is that possible for everyone? Don’t we forgive others in the hope they do not do us wrong a second time? Do we keep forgiving? Or do we draw a line somewhere? It’s true what they say that holding onto grudges hurts the one holding the grudge more than the one who caused the grudge to be. But why is it so hard to let certain things go? I wish grudges and all the bitterness that comes with it could magically disappear at the stroke of midnight, like some new year magic with fairy dust. Obviously fairies don’t exist, I guess that’s what life is all about, putting us through tough times to learn how to love and to forgive. And until we can untie all the knots in our hearts, we will forever be a tangled mess, completely incapable of loving someone else, or so I was told.

 Amidst all the drama, I’m happy that I got to experience love again, the feeling of loving and being loved, knowing that you could mean the world to just one person. It feels like a privilege, but it’s a birth right. It’s just a feeling that nothing else can replace. At least I know I AM capable of feeling despite how hard I try not to, and that my heart is not dead. But I guess you simply can’t hold on to something that isn’t meant to be yours, or force something to work out, and learning to let go is a part of life, nothing lasts forever, anyway.

love

Perhaps a part of me died when Baileys passed. My bunny of over 2 years, I still miss him everyday, and talk to him as if he’s right next to me when I’m feeling frustrated. He was always there to listen to me, make me smile, no talking back, no dissing, just a patient listener; even though he threw bunny tantrums at times he was still the cutest bunny ever. I’m glad I had him for that short time, and I’m sure he’ll be patiently waiting on the other side. :)

No, I’m not going to sit in a pool of tears and cry, I’ve done more than enough of that. Despite all the pits I’ve gotten stuck in over the past year, I’m determined to get out of them in due time, but right now,

happy

Life is a gift and it’s a fragile one, every day lives are taken against their will, every day people are struggling to survive. There are so many people less fortunate than we are. Somewhere out there, a teen has probably never used a mobile phone, much less a laptop or iPad. We are so lucky to have what we have, we are lucky to be where we are. While we complain about fighting with a partner, somewhere in the world someone is all alone just hoping for a warm embrace. While we are deciding which steak house to dine at, so many children out there are rummaging through garbage looking for something that will fill their stomaches. 2012 has made me realise that there’s so much more to life than just what we see. We set goals, we plan for years ahead,

present

We plan the future, we spend every other day talking and worrying about the future. What if something happens tomorrow? Can we keep leaving everything for tomorrow? Why not now? We try to live our lives so fast that it just flies by, year after year, the same cycle over and over again, it’s almost as if we are living our lives on auto-pilot. Something’s missing, we’re not making the most out of this life, or are we? That’s for you to decide!

As for me, I’m going to take some time out to rethink this life and what really matters before I attempt to make any resolutions at all.

2013cupcakes

cupcake image courtesy of http://muffin-fluffy.tumblr.com

It’s going to be a countdown with the parents this year, since I’ve spent the past few new year’s out of home, I guess it’s time to hit home ground. :)

See you all in 2013! xx

then & now.

when we were younger, we always sought adventure. the thrill of the chase, then falling, over and over again. sweet, poetic words the boys would try to pen, in a bid to win a girl’s heart. roses, chocolates, dinners, sweet nothings, we wanted them all. over the years a box i kept filled up with notes, heartfelt poems, gifts, little handmade presents, photos and bittersweet memories, but that is all they have become. looking back, i sometimes wonder if the emotions were real, it’s been so long, i can’t quite connect. i pulled out some letters from way back in 2006, but the lines of sweet nothings are no more than just mere words now.

i guess sweet talk just doesn’t cut it anymore, and besides, talk is cheap. i’ve had enough of hearing the same thing over and over again.. like how i’m the perfect girlfriend and that no one can replace me. guys, the worst thing you can tell a girl is that you don’t deserve her. (i always say that’s bullocks) i don’t know, perhaps most guys feel inclined to say such things to a girl at some point, but actions speak louder than words and these days i find words hardly convincing.

don’t tell me i’m perfect cos i know, i’m anything but, and that’s okay.

i’m not the girl you can buy over with flowers & poems, cos flowers will die and words will be forgotten. i just want something real. but now i’m so tired of running, so i’ll just keep standing still. 

temptation is a bitch.

saw this pop up on my fb feed two days ago, just thought i should share this cos such situations are really all around. sad, but true.

to be fair, guys aren’t always the guilty party, they can end up being the victim too, especially those in NS. cos army life is so restricted, and guys are forced to spend so much time away from their family and loved ones, girls get “bored” cos guys don’t have enough time for them and fall for someone else who is, at that point, more “available” (sound familiar?)

when will this vicious cycle stop? when will we stop wanting better than what we already have? when will we stop doing things we might live to regret?

…"moving on"

I’ve always wondered what it really means to move on… I pondered days and nights for months, and I think I’ve found my own understanding of these two small words that carry so much weight.

“Move on, forget about me. You’ll meet someone better”

“Move on, he’s not worth your time.”

You can tell someone to move on, but whether he/she decides to, is ultimately a personal choice. Moving on, doesn’t always mean the same thing to everyone.

For months, when the words “move on” came up, I’d get scared and fear the future which had gotten so hazy. Would I be wrong to assume that we’re all afraid of moving on? The thought of shelving memories is enough to make us cringe. Fearing solitude, we fight to hang on to the memories, hoping something will change, but the truth is, it won’t. Things that have happened will never change. Holding on to mistakes isn’t going to make everything right, and somehow, I saw the light.

I had been so afraid of “moving on” because everyone made it seem like that was the end of everything. But no, it was in fact the beginning.

Moving on doesn’t mean shelving memories and severing ties. Moving on doesn’t mean it’s the end. Perhaps we shouldn’t use the term moving on, but moving forward instead? It sure sounds a little less intimidating. Moving on, for me, was letting go of the pain. For months I was holding on to someone else’s mistakes, and my own too.

The fact is that nothing gets better if you insist on sitting on a nest of rotten eggs. They’re just going to deteriorate even more. Accept that things have come to be the way they are, pick yourself up and try again.

Move forward, and embrace the new chances that are waiting ahead. Things only get better if you let them. Let go of past hurts, cos only then will love and happiness have space to reside in your ♥..

The moment I decided to let everything go, it felt like I was born again. Freed from the chains that were weighing me down, I felt like I was ready to live my life proper, looking only to the future.

It is true what they say, you need to learn to let go of everything, in order to hold on to the things that really matter, and decide if they are indeed worth holding onto..

 

The Reason Why…

…I stopped asking,

Has anyone ever questioned the practicality of asking for advice from people who are often stuck in the same situation as ourselves?

Say we are fresh out of a relationship gone wrong, or stuck in a dilemma whether to hang on or let go, the first thing we do is to start asking the people around us, “What do you think i should do now?”

Right? But what we never considered is, that these are the very people who are equally clueless! They’re probably around the same age, maybe younger, maybe a little older, but generally, given the same situation, how many of them can we say have succeeded? If you’re really lucky, give it a 10% chance.

The truth is, we ask for advice, not so much to heed it, we ask for advice hoping to gain assurance that the decision that’s already in our head is the right decision to make. Is it right? Is it wrong? Should I do this instead of that?

The only advice you’re gonna get is probably what you already know. A friend can tell you what he/she thinks, but in that moment, you forget that what you’re hearing is but from experience, and no two situations are the same, because no two hearts are the same either. Just because a solution worked for a friend, doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you.

When I came to that realisation, it’s like I got kicked in the head. For months, I was listening to what everyone was telling me I should do, pushing everything I felt I myself felt I should do to the back of my mind.

You can’t take everything your friends say as bible truth. They respond to what you tell them, and what you tell them might not be everything that makes up the situation. The bottom line is,

If you really want to live life and be happy, stop doing the things that are “socially correct”. Stop doing things that people say you should do, stop doing things against your own will just so it seems like you’re doing the right thing. In the end, all you will feel is more frustrated than ever.

And if in the end it all comes to naught, at least you know, you lived life by your own rules. If you must seek advice, if you want to learn about how to get past the hardships of life and if you want to know if love really exists, don’t count on answers from your friends…

Ask the old couple who stroll hand in hand in the park everyday. They are the ones who have truly made it.

♥ jean

Better Late Than Never

If there is one thing I’ve learnt, it’s this :

There is no point in telling a person he’s doing something wrong; if he insists that he is right. You can only leave him to go through the experience & find his faults himself.

Not everyone will love you at your weakest & worst, many will walk away. People may laugh behind your back at your mistakes; but the ones who love you will always be there to pick you up, give you a hug & tell you it’s okay…

When you fall, not everyone will be there to offer you a hand; & there are only so few who are willing to always be ready to catch you when you take the plunge.

When you go in pursuit of the things you want, more often than not, you end up losing the people & things you need. You can never go looking for someone you can love, laugh, cry & share everything with; you will find each other, somehow.

At the end of it all, when you look back on all the years, you will come to discover who really mattered in your life.

For some, realization may come too late, but it’s better late than never.

— Jeanine

%d bloggers like this: