As yet another year comes to an end, I believe all of us go through the same motions. Was it a good year? A horrible year? A not so bad, I got through it kind of year? Perhaps after you’ve established that the year practically flew by without you accomplishing very much you start asking why, and what-if you did something differently. By the time you’re done with all that, you realise how much time you just wasted thinking about it cause there’s really nothing you can do to change the past year.
Well, 2012 was a real roller coaster year for me.
You know how you begin the year thinking your life is as close to perfect as it can get? Like everything has finally fallen into place, and you have everything you could possibly ask for, and you just can’t wait to wake up every morning with an idiotic smile on your face. Sure, everyone goes through rough waters, but at some point all that pain is finally justified, and it’s all worth it, you know? :)
But as with any roller coaster ride, there are tons of ups and downs, and it’s the down points that really kill you. I always say, there’s a way to get around anything, as long as you want to, I still want to believe that, but this year life has thrown me more curved balls than I can possibly deal with. I’m usually someone who hangs on and tries until the end cause I hate giving up and I hate losing a fight, but for me to reach a point where I actually give up and walk away, is totally new to me. 2012 definitely saw a record number of misunderstandings. Being misunderstood is one thing, but being misunderstood and put down before you’ve had any chance to say anything, that takes a hell lot of calm to deal with. I guess at some point I just lost that calm. After all I’m one person who cannot stand being misunderstood and called things I’m not. And amidst all the tears, you realise you’re actually fighting for what you want, and it should be something worth fighting for, but what if self defense kicks in and you unknowingly start fighting against it?
We go into every new year telling ourselves it’s the best time to leave the past where it belongs, to bury grudges, to forgive people who have wronged us, to reconcile with family and the people we love; but is that possible for everyone? Don’t we forgive others in the hope they do not do us wrong a second time? Do we keep forgiving? Or do we draw a line somewhere? It’s true what they say that holding onto grudges hurts the one holding the grudge more than the one who caused the grudge to be. But why is it so hard to let certain things go? I wish grudges and all the bitterness that comes with it could magically disappear at the stroke of midnight, like some new year magic with fairy dust. Obviously fairies don’t exist, I guess that’s what life is all about, putting us through tough times to learn how to love and to forgive. And until we can untie all the knots in our hearts, we will forever be a tangled mess, completely incapable of loving someone else, or so I was told.
Amidst all the drama, I’m happy that I got to experience love again, the feeling of loving and being loved, knowing that you could mean the world to just one person. It feels like a privilege, but it’s a birth right. It’s just a feeling that nothing else can replace. At least I know I AM capable of feeling despite how hard I try not to, and that my heart is not dead. But I guess you simply can’t hold on to something that isn’t meant to be yours, or force something to work out, and learning to let go is a part of life, nothing lasts forever, anyway.
Perhaps a part of me died when Baileys passed. My bunny of over 2 years, I still miss him everyday, and talk to him as if he’s right next to me when I’m feeling frustrated. He was always there to listen to me, make me smile, no talking back, no dissing, just a patient listener; even though he threw bunny tantrums at times he was still the cutest bunny ever. I’m glad I had him for that short time, and I’m sure he’ll be patiently waiting on the other side. :)
No, I’m not going to sit in a pool of tears and cry, I’ve done more than enough of that. Despite all the pits I’ve gotten stuck in over the past year, I’m determined to get out of them in due time, but right now,
Life is a gift and it’s a fragile one, every day lives are taken against their will, every day people are struggling to survive. There are so many people less fortunate than we are. Somewhere out there, a teen has probably never used a mobile phone, much less a laptop or iPad. We are so lucky to have what we have, we are lucky to be where we are. While we complain about fighting with a partner, somewhere in the world someone is all alone just hoping for a warm embrace. While we are deciding which steak house to dine at, so many children out there are rummaging through garbage looking for something that will fill their stomaches. 2012 has made me realise that there’s so much more to life than just what we see. We set goals, we plan for years ahead,
We plan the future, we spend every other day talking and worrying about the future. What if something happens tomorrow? Can we keep leaving everything for tomorrow? Why not now? We try to live our lives so fast that it just flies by, year after year, the same cycle over and over again, it’s almost as if we are living our lives on auto-pilot. Something’s missing, we’re not making the most out of this life, or are we? That’s for you to decide!
As for me, I’m going to take some time out to rethink this life and what really matters before I attempt to make any resolutions at all.
cupcake image courtesy of http://muffin-fluffy.tumblr.com
It’s going to be a countdown with the parents this year, since I’ve spent the past few new year’s out of home, I guess it’s time to hit home ground. :)
See you all in 2013! xx